Marble Love

I love shopping. Or rather, I love buying pretty things and the way it makes me feel. I'm not talking about spending lots and lots of money, it could be a £1 purchase, but if it satisfies my eyeballs it gives me a very good feeling inside.

Today I bought the above 'wrist-wear' from a TKMaxx adventure. The watch caught my eye to begin with as I really love marble at the moment. But then I saw the bangle with the quote 'Be Here Now' and I knew I had to have the set. The whole set was only £19.99 - a complete bargain I feel! I also purchased a new notebook, I'm not sure why but I love notebooks! There are some lovely designs out at the moment, I'm going to need a lorry to take home all the stuff I've bought during the summer break.

'The Dead Ex' by Jane Corry is my current reading material. I'm really enjoying it at the moment, although it's quite a disturbing story! There are two stories currently being told: Vicki's and Scarlet's. Vicki (whose story is set in 2018) is a woman who suffers from epilepsy and the police believe she has something to do with her husband's disappearance. Scarlet (whose story is set in 2007) is a young girl who has been put into foster care as her mum has been arrested. I'm trying to work out how these two stories are going to link together, but I can't guess at the moment. I like that, the last few books I've read with 'twists' have been disappointing and easy to guess. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this continues the way it has started!

I think being an October baby has really influenced my preference in seasons. Autumn is in the air and I am very excited! I love everything about Autumn - leaves falling, a chill in the morning air, wearing scarves and boots and snuggling under a thick blanket when it's raining outside. The cold weather is also much better for my health and it means I don't have to worry about being exhausted because it is too hot for me to cope. Roll on Autumn 2018 - it's going to be a wonderful one!


One final thought...

15.8.2018

Ever since I can remember I have suffered with panic attacks/anxiety. My first memory of it being a problem was when my mum had to speak to my Year 2 teacher because I was so upset that I felt I wasn't good enough. I look at the Year 2 children at my school now and realise how sad that is. How sad that someone so small thought so badly about themselves. These thoughts developed as I became older and I began to associate eating in restaurants with being sick. Cutting a long story short, I was sick several times after eating out and I eventually received CBT to help me overcome my panic attacks. I'm still not great at eating out, but I do it regularly and it doesn't cause the panic in me like it used to.

My anxiety levels are through the roof at the moment and even leaving the house is becoming a big issue. I am doing it every day, but I will always have a spark of regret and the bubble gut feeling. I'm not sure what is causing this. I'm living back at Mum and Dad's for the summer, I'm feeling well MS wise and I'm having a lovely summer.  Today I went into the city with my best friend, I felt absolutely fine driving to her house. As soon as we start driving into the city, my stomach starts bubbling and I begin to have a hot flush. I have to give myself a good talking to and imagine the worst thing that can possibly happen. This then allows me to work backwards and eventually calm myself down by saying 'So what?'. So what if the worst thing happens? If I'm unwell I know she would take good care of me, we would get back in the car and I would just go home. I am getting fed up with these panic attacks, I feel like lovely days are being ruined by my own stupid head and thoughts. I'm not sure what I'm going to be able to do to sort these panic attacks out, but it might be time to get myself back to the doctors!

Happy Anniversary!

Today marks a year since the neurologist told me I have MS. They say that time flies and I agree it does. But so much has happened this year, that if possible it feels that I've managed to squeeze 2 or 3 years into the space of 1. As I sit here now, I have very little symptoms. I might wake up tomorrow and feel hideous, but at this current moment I am really pleased with how my symptoms are being managed. I inject Copaxone three times a week and this seems to be working well for me. (I am rather worried that I'm writing this and then something terrible is going to happen. ANXIETY ALERT!) I am suffering recently though when injecting. If I inject into my thighs, the area becomes a hard lump and then turns into a wonderful bruise. When I use my arms, the area becomes inflamed and very itchy. The hot weather made the itching ten times worse, thank goodness it's cooling down!
At my appointment last week, the nurse recommended I try my love handle area and I confirmed that I do indeed have plenty of flesh there! I do try to make people laugh in these situations. This is where I will be trying tonight, if I remember. I was supposed to do it Sunday evening, but my memory let me down and I went into my thigh instead. It felt like I was injecting acid into my leg - think I might have hit an area of scar tissue. Delightful!
So it has been a year. I have survived and actually I have coped/lived with it. I'm going through a huge time of change in my life with my separation and having to move out to live on my own for the first time EVER. But I'm surviving. I'm smiling. I'm living. I'm enjoying my life.

Moving on from MS...this is how I am currently feeling. I've been a primary school teacher for 6 years, now moving into my 7th. This coming year I will be teaching Year 6 for the first time. I'm taking my old class up with me, so I'm feeling OK because I know the children. However, I have seen what the pressure of teaching Year 6 does to the best teachers and so I am of course having terrible dreams where my boss tells me I'm not good enough and I'm going to be the school cleaner instead. Not that I would be any good at that either!
I've sat down today to start my school work, but a strange thing happens whenever I try to do my work. It happens when I do it during term time too. I am hit by a huge wave of exhaustion. I can sit down full of energy, but as soon as I start typing I suddenly feel like I need to go and have a nap. I then get a very dry mouth and my nose becomes very blocked. I battle through it because I have to get things done, but I feel like it means I don't put the energy or excitement into my planning that I should do. Does anyone have any tips? It makes me feel like I should be looking for a different career, but I love physically teaching. Just not all the paper work that comes with it!

13.8.18 Part II

So my day started with me sobbing on my bed, feeling very sorry for myself. It is now coming to an end and I am feeling so much more positive. I spent the morning reading other blogs and have found one I am really enjoying ( ms-understood.com ). It is almost like reading the thoughts from my own head! I have always struggled with my emotions but as I've become older I now am beginning to understand the triggers. Putting things into place to cope with these mood swings isn't easy by yourself, but I feel like I'm making very slow progress!

I absolutely adore reading. It is one of my favourite things to spend time doing. I have always been a big reader and I still get excited about going into a library or book shop, just like I used to as a child. I've started putting a photo of each book I read onto my social media. MS appears to have shot my memory to pieces (or I'm just going to use MS as an excuse!) and I would look at a row of books and completely forget which of them I had already read.
Yesterday I finished Into The Water by Paula Hawkins. I absolutely adored Girl on The Train so knew I had to read her next book. Unfortunately, after buying the book I completely lost my reading mojo and the book remained on my shelf for a long time. However, after finishing work and relaxing the reading bug hit me again! I enjoyed this book, although not as much as Girl On The Train. I felt like most of the book was a build up to what I was expecting to be a huge ending, yet the ending was a disappointment. I still enjoyed reading it though and I'm glad I did!

13.08.2018

Sometimes I wish I was a tough cookie who didn't take things to heart so much. However, that's not the way I was made. I appear to have been given enough sensitivity for a whole room full of people. It means that if somebody cancels plans I feel it's because they hate me. If they read my message but don't reply it's because I am annoying them. I'm not sure where this has come from, it has definitely always been a part of my life. Overthinking is definitely my worst habit. Perhaps one day I will wake up and the overthinking will have stopped. How likely is that to happen?
Tonight I was supposed to be going to the cinema with 2 friends. 1 of them has cancelled because she has a stomach bug, caught from her little girl. This I understand. This doesn't upset me. Another friend cancelled plans for today too because her sister has just got engaged and my friend wants to see her before she goes on holiday. Again, this I understand. This didn't upset me. In fact part of me was secretly relieved because it means I don't have to drive for 2 hours!
However, the other friend who I was supposed to go to the cinema with has decided that although we've already bought tickets she doesn't want to go. So of course, in my head it's because she doesn't want to just go with me. This then lead to me sitting on the edge of my bed with tears streaming down my face for at least 15 minutes. What a mess!
I am trying my best to not take things so personally. I'm also trying to stop worrying about things that I have no control over. It's hard. It's very hard.

Summer Ramblings

I'm not quite sure why I have started this blog. I'm intending on nobody ever reading it, apart from myself. An electronic diary, to get me through the toughest time in my life so far.
It has nearly been exactly 365 days since my diagnosis with Multiple Sclerosis. A year since I sat in the neurologist's office and I heard the words: We've looked at your scans, you have lesions on your brain and spine. I take it you've googled your results?
I replied with no I hadn't googled it, I wouldn't really know where to start as there were too many long words on the letter I received.
The neurologist smiled and then said: So the information we have all points towards you having something we call Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis.
The rest is blank, apart from feeling the tears rolling down my cheeks and hearing people say that everything would be ok.

Fast foward a year and I find myself spending the school summer holiday living with my parents. My wife is now soon to be my ex-wife and the beautiful house I fell in love with last summer is now going to be written into the history book of my life. I am spending most of my time with somebody I never thought I would see again and I'm working through some of the worst panic attacks I have ever suffered.

Life is definitely not following the path I had planned for myself. I can't predict where I will be in another 365 days. I'm not even sure where I will be in a week. I'm trying to be excited by this idea, but I'm not sure I'm coping very well! Let's just take it one day at a time...